Service with a smile

“After-sales service”, “customer care”… there are dozens of names for it, that unhelpful attitude that goes with knowing you’ve sold your product or service and there’s no way back for the poor customer.

The Maltese are amazing salespeople: buying new kitchen appliances? Why not upgrade? We’ve got a great offer! There go the 1,000 euros we were saving up for a big glass table (now we’re stuck with a smaller, cheaper version)! Have some extra cash in your account? Why not invest it in a savings plan? The outcome: a monthly transfer from my savings account for the next forty years. You have cable TV with our company? We now also sell mobile phone packages and internet connections… Not interested? Well, maybe you could upgrade your cable package then? We’ve got… Nope, not this time, thanks!

I’m so easily persuaded by small talk. That’s why I should never be left in a shop on my own. Or in a shopping street, or close to a phone… I should never be left alone full stop. I suffer from “compulsive pleasing syndrome”, which manifests itself with a willingness to buy anything that’s offered to me by a smiling salesperson.

The issue is not the fact that I buy, buy, buy… but the fact that everything I buy seems to break within an unreasonable timeframe. New kitchen appliances: cooker doesn’t work within one day from installation (reason: I didn’t know about the magic switch labelled “cooker” on the wall). New washing machine: cannot be installed due to lack of tap (who knew a washing machine just won’t work without a tap?). New ASDL connection: cables between Sicily and Malta are damaged (and I’m cut off from the world for days). New mobile for Andre’: chewed by the dog on two occasions (never managed to get a refund for that one, no matter how hard I tried).

As soon as my cash card has been swiped, the smile disappears. Sure, there’s a one-year guarantee (“we don’t follow the EU regulations guaranteeing two years here”), but it’s only valid in case of damage which hasn’t been caused by wear and tear, the plastic parts are not covered (even if 90% of the bloody thing consists of some form of plastic!) and labour costs are charged by the hour… In short, solve it yourself or buy a new one!

And since we’re mainly a service-based economy, we offer our customers a “service with a smile”… or the typical Mediterranean laissez-faire attitude. Internet connection not working? “Just relax, within four hours or one day max (!) everything will be restored.” Power cut on a weekday at 9 am? “Don’t worry, we’ll be done patching up by noon.” Internet banking account not topped up three days after your transfer? “Wait another two days… that should do it.”

The worst part is… you actually stop caring after a while. You take your cup of tea and patiently wait, and wait… and wait. If you can’t beat them, join them!