Last week Malta experienced a total blackout. We were left without electricity and water, since that is supplied directly from the reverse osmosis plant, which requires electricity... for ten hours and a half. That’s right! And the reason was the usual, inexplicable "technical fault". As workaholics, all Andre’ and I could think about was finishing translations and reports, missed deadlines and meetings... while everyone else was either at the beach or enjoying a candle-lit dinner on the balcony. Tonight our phone has gone dead. The customer care department of the phone company is closed, so there isn’t much we can do but report the fault and wait. As usual.
Looking back on all the “technical faults” I’ve experienced in my three years (already that long?!) on the rock, I’ve had my share of funny adventures...
When we first moved in together, in a rented flat, we immediately had Andre’s internet connection transferred from his parents’ house to our new (extremely small and ugly) “blue bubble” (I don’t know what got into us renting that thing, every single wall was painted baby blue). After three weeks of angry phone calls, the phone company realised there was still an active connection on that line, operated by a different provider. We tried to contact this provider, we even went to their offices, but there wasn’t much they could do: the previous tenant hadn’t paid his bills and had fled the country (turns out it was some Japanese wacko)... After lots of whining (that would be me!), they finally solved this “technical fault” by suspending the active account. My first taste of Maltese “technical nonsense”!
When we bought this apartment and moved in, parts of the building hadn’t been completed, so no one had noticed there was no common phone box. It took both the contractor and the phone company a fortnight to realise the building was not connected to the main grid. When they finally did, they sent me two technicians who didn’t speak English. All I understood was ‘bejt’, which means roof, so I took them there and had a short conversation on my Maltese lessons, that was as far as my knowledge of Maltese went. After a painful silence, they created a temporary connection, which they then forgot to replace. Until we pointed it out, after many “technical faults”, which slowed down our internet connection...
Just a few months ago we were left without water for four days (that’s right, four days!). In Malta we have water tanks on the roof, which are usually filled automatically, but not when there is a “technical fault”, of course. Luckily, the water company offers a bowser service. The first time we asked them to fill up our tank the workmen struggled a bit to open it, but ultimately managed to supply our much-awaited water. The second time I figured I had become an expert, so I decided to do it myself: tiny blonde girl climbed on the roof and filled up her own tank with a huge hose, while the neighbours were looking on. Girl power!
A short message to Enemalta: be more creative when we phone you to report yet another problem... We’ve had it with “technical faults”. And to GO: as much as I love Maltese, English is an official language in this country... at least teach your technicians some useful keywords, like... I don’t know... “phone” for starters!
PS: to all readers who’ve had it with my sarcasm and criticism, try living in the Med for a while. You’ll discover the most amazing scenery and lifestyle, but the most annoying laissez-faire attitude. Nevertheless, you’ll fall in love with the whole package, despite sometimes feeling slightly frustrated.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Health and safety... sort of
Malta has a track record second to none in health and safety compliance. A few examples of Maltese craftsmanship:
1. How to paint a façade: attach a wooden beam (preferably recycled, we wouldn’t want to waste any precious old doors and pieces of furniture) to two ropes. Get someone (well, preferably two persons, but one will do) to hold the ropes on the roof and slowly (or quickly, depending on how hot it is) slide down the wall. Meanwhile, attempt to paint it. I have witnessed such acrobatic leaps on several occasions and now fully understand why the death toll for construction workers is always on the rise…
2. How to install a wall-mounted toilet with hidden cistern: this design craze is hardly easy to install, as it requires installing the cistern in the shaft, passing the piping through the wall and connecting it to the external drainage system. In short, get someone to hold your feet, or just keep them up in the air while hanging upside down in a narrow shaft, with no support whatsoever. Every time I look at my toilet, I wonder how the plumber managed to install it without killing himself…
3. How to dispose of construction waste: get an enormous skip, leave it in the middle of the road – while illegally blocking traffic of course – and toss anything in (including metal beams and bricks). Don’t worry about pedestrians, they’ll move!
Joking apart, ten days ago there was a horrible fire at Pender Place. Luckily no one was injured, but many apartments had to be evacuated. A few weeks before that, a crane toppled over, nearly causing a catastrophe, as this happened in a densely populated area, close to a school. Electricity cables hang loose in the middle of the pavement, for anyone to touch. Helmets are optional, as are safety shoes and clothing. Working hours are not respected, not to mention basic human rights… Illegal immigrants are paid a fraction of the minimum wage... And the list goes on… I always tell the Maltese: for things to change, you’ve got to make a small effort yourself, because every little helps. When I see something fishy, I talk to the local wardens… who look at me with a suspicious grin. Nevertheless, I’ve done my bit. If only others did the same…
1. How to paint a façade: attach a wooden beam (preferably recycled, we wouldn’t want to waste any precious old doors and pieces of furniture) to two ropes. Get someone (well, preferably two persons, but one will do) to hold the ropes on the roof and slowly (or quickly, depending on how hot it is) slide down the wall. Meanwhile, attempt to paint it. I have witnessed such acrobatic leaps on several occasions and now fully understand why the death toll for construction workers is always on the rise…
2. How to install a wall-mounted toilet with hidden cistern: this design craze is hardly easy to install, as it requires installing the cistern in the shaft, passing the piping through the wall and connecting it to the external drainage system. In short, get someone to hold your feet, or just keep them up in the air while hanging upside down in a narrow shaft, with no support whatsoever. Every time I look at my toilet, I wonder how the plumber managed to install it without killing himself…
3. How to dispose of construction waste: get an enormous skip, leave it in the middle of the road – while illegally blocking traffic of course – and toss anything in (including metal beams and bricks). Don’t worry about pedestrians, they’ll move!
Joking apart, ten days ago there was a horrible fire at Pender Place. Luckily no one was injured, but many apartments had to be evacuated. A few weeks before that, a crane toppled over, nearly causing a catastrophe, as this happened in a densely populated area, close to a school. Electricity cables hang loose in the middle of the pavement, for anyone to touch. Helmets are optional, as are safety shoes and clothing. Working hours are not respected, not to mention basic human rights… Illegal immigrants are paid a fraction of the minimum wage... And the list goes on… I always tell the Maltese: for things to change, you’ve got to make a small effort yourself, because every little helps. When I see something fishy, I talk to the local wardens… who look at me with a suspicious grin. Nevertheless, I’ve done my bit. If only others did the same…
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Amy’s SUMMER ABC for tourists travelling to Malta
A – ALCOHOL. “Language students” (a.k.a. kids who tell their parents they desperately need to learn English in an English-speaking country, but really just want to party in the Med) think it’s ok to get pissed every night and leave cans all over the streets, shout, sing, walk in the middle of the road and… did I mention get pissed? Well kids, it’s NOT ok! I was young once too, but please have some respect!
B – BEACHES. Keep them clean. I don’t particularly enjoy walking on pieces of glass, used condoms and pizza slices. Thanks for your understanding.
C – CISK, our beer. It’s pronounced /tsjisk/. At least TRY to pronounce it correctly.
D – DIVING. I’m too scared to try it, but if you’re a fan, make sure you do it safely. We’ve already had far too many accidents this year – and it’s only June.
E – EXILES, a great beach with a nice atmosphere in Sliema: not to be missed!
F – FREE. Nothing’s free in Malta. If they tell you it’s free, there’s a catch, so beware!
G – GOZO. No trip to Malta is complete without a stopover on our sister island. Enjoy the peace and tranquillity...
H – HOTELS. Their rates are very competitive, but why not try something different, like a farmhouse with a pool or a house of character overlooking Grand Harbour?
I – INTERNET ACCESS. Not bad, but not spectacular. Power cuts and internet malfunctions are quite common, especially in summer. Be prepared!
J – JELLYFISH. There’s plenty of them this year, so be careful. A “Friends” episode suggests peeing on the skin to relieve the pain caused by a sting, but I suggest sticking to ammonia pens.
K – KINNIE, the best drink in the world! Try it!
L – LEFT. We drive on the left. Most of the time anyway.
M – MDINA, definitely worth a visit. Remember it’s called “the Silent City”: try to keep it that way, that’s part of its magic.
N – NAP, as in siesta. Many shops close between 1 and 4 pm. Why not have a little nap while waiting from them to open? That’s what most of us end up doing when the heat becomes unbearable.
O – ODD. While walking around in Malta, you might discover lots of odd sites and scenes. Keep you camera handy.
P – PASTIZZI: you can call them “cheesecakes” as well. Available with ricotta or pea filling.
Q - This is a glottal stop in Maltese, but if you’re not sure about the pronunciation, don’t stay in Qrendi or Qormi, but find accommodation in a locality you can pronounce!
R – ROADS. I’ve blogged about it before and I’ll keep repeating it until the ADT does something about it: potholes, bloody potholes. Drive SLOWLY and keep your eyes on the road surface!
S – STUDYING. Many come here to study English, but very few succeed. Choose your school carefully and attend your lectures. It’s very easy to get trapped in the party lifestyle Maltese summers are famous for…
T – TOURIST OFFICE. It’s in Valletta, next to City Gate and offers lots of information, including brochures and free maps. Check it out!
U – U-TURNS. The Maltese are not the best drivers and U-turns are their favourite manoeuvre, so careful if you rent a car!
V – VALLETTA. Discover the magic of the “city built by gentlemen for gentlemen”. Wear comfortable shoes (you’ll understand why once you get there).
W – WAVES. When they’re high, they’re REALLY high and DANGEROUS. This one goes out to those who think they can swim when the MET Office tells us not to: they’re not joking! Our armed forces are very busy intercepting illegal immigrants, so please do not distract them.
X – it’s pronounced /sj/ in Maltese. Remember this once and for all when trying to explain you’re looking for the bus to Xemxija, Marsaxlokk or Ta’ Xbiex!
Y – YACHT MARINAS. You don’t need to have a boat to enjoy them: Portomaso is the place to be for a glass of wine or a romantic meal overlooking rich people’s yachts.
Z – ZEST in Spinola Bay. It’s rumoured to be the best sushi restaurant on the island. Haven’t tried it yet, but I’m tempted to do so very, very soon!
B – BEACHES. Keep them clean. I don’t particularly enjoy walking on pieces of glass, used condoms and pizza slices. Thanks for your understanding.
C – CISK, our beer. It’s pronounced /tsjisk/. At least TRY to pronounce it correctly.
D – DIVING. I’m too scared to try it, but if you’re a fan, make sure you do it safely. We’ve already had far too many accidents this year – and it’s only June.
E – EXILES, a great beach with a nice atmosphere in Sliema: not to be missed!
F – FREE. Nothing’s free in Malta. If they tell you it’s free, there’s a catch, so beware!
G – GOZO. No trip to Malta is complete without a stopover on our sister island. Enjoy the peace and tranquillity...
H – HOTELS. Their rates are very competitive, but why not try something different, like a farmhouse with a pool or a house of character overlooking Grand Harbour?
I – INTERNET ACCESS. Not bad, but not spectacular. Power cuts and internet malfunctions are quite common, especially in summer. Be prepared!
J – JELLYFISH. There’s plenty of them this year, so be careful. A “Friends” episode suggests peeing on the skin to relieve the pain caused by a sting, but I suggest sticking to ammonia pens.
K – KINNIE, the best drink in the world! Try it!
L – LEFT. We drive on the left. Most of the time anyway.
M – MDINA, definitely worth a visit. Remember it’s called “the Silent City”: try to keep it that way, that’s part of its magic.
N – NAP, as in siesta. Many shops close between 1 and 4 pm. Why not have a little nap while waiting from them to open? That’s what most of us end up doing when the heat becomes unbearable.
O – ODD. While walking around in Malta, you might discover lots of odd sites and scenes. Keep you camera handy.
P – PASTIZZI: you can call them “cheesecakes” as well. Available with ricotta or pea filling.
Q - This is a glottal stop in Maltese, but if you’re not sure about the pronunciation, don’t stay in Qrendi or Qormi, but find accommodation in a locality you can pronounce!
R – ROADS. I’ve blogged about it before and I’ll keep repeating it until the ADT does something about it: potholes, bloody potholes. Drive SLOWLY and keep your eyes on the road surface!
S – STUDYING. Many come here to study English, but very few succeed. Choose your school carefully and attend your lectures. It’s very easy to get trapped in the party lifestyle Maltese summers are famous for…
T – TOURIST OFFICE. It’s in Valletta, next to City Gate and offers lots of information, including brochures and free maps. Check it out!
U – U-TURNS. The Maltese are not the best drivers and U-turns are their favourite manoeuvre, so careful if you rent a car!
V – VALLETTA. Discover the magic of the “city built by gentlemen for gentlemen”. Wear comfortable shoes (you’ll understand why once you get there).
W – WAVES. When they’re high, they’re REALLY high and DANGEROUS. This one goes out to those who think they can swim when the MET Office tells us not to: they’re not joking! Our armed forces are very busy intercepting illegal immigrants, so please do not distract them.
X – it’s pronounced /sj/ in Maltese. Remember this once and for all when trying to explain you’re looking for the bus to Xemxija, Marsaxlokk or Ta’ Xbiex!
Y – YACHT MARINAS. You don’t need to have a boat to enjoy them: Portomaso is the place to be for a glass of wine or a romantic meal overlooking rich people’s yachts.
Z – ZEST in Spinola Bay. It’s rumoured to be the best sushi restaurant on the island. Haven’t tried it yet, but I’m tempted to do so very, very soon!
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